Neglectful Husband and depressed wife
Suhaib Bhat
Harming wife a sin : This is one of the basic principles of Islam. Because harming even others is haraam in the case of strangers, it is even more so in the case of harming one’s wife.
It was narrated from ‘Ubaadah ibn al-Saamit that the Messenger of Allah swt (peace and blessings of Allah swt be upon him) ruled, “There should be no harming nor reciprocating harm.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah,, 2340)
This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by Imaam Ahmad, al-Haakim, Ibn al-Salaah and others. See Khalaasat al-Badr al-Muneer, 2/438.
Among the things to which the Lawgiver drew attention in this matter is the prohibition of hitting or beating in a severe manner.
It was narrated from Jaabir that the Messenger of Allah swt (peace and blessings of Allah swt be upon him) said in his Farewell Sermon:
“Fear Allah swt concerning women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah swt, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto you by words of Allah swt. You too have rights over them, and that they should not allow anyone to sit on your bed [i.e., not let them into the house] whom you do not like. But if they do that, you can chastise them but not severely. Their rights upon you are that you should provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner” (Narrated by Muslim, 1218).
The husband’s rights over his wife.
The rights of the husband over his wife are among the greatest rights; indeed his rights over her are greater than her rights over him, because Allah swt says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them [al-Baqarah 2:228]
al-Jassaas said: Allah swt tells us in this aayah that each of the spouses has rights over the other, and that the husband has one particular right over his wife which she does not have over him.
Ibn al-‘Arabi said: this text states that he has some preference over her with regard to rights and duties of marriage.
These rights include:
(a)The obligation of obedience. Allah swt has made the man a qawwaam (protector and maintainer) of the woman by commanding, directing and taking care of her, just as guardians take care of their charges, by virtue of the physical and mental faculties that Allah swt has given only to men and the financial obligations that He has enjoined upon them. Allah swt says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah swt has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]
‘Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from Ibn ‘Abbaas: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women” means, they are in charge of them, i.e., she should obey him in matters of obedience that Allah swt has enjoined upon her, and obey him by treating his family well and taking care of his wealth. This was the view of Muqaatil, al-Saddi and al-Dahhaak.(Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/492)
(b)Making herself available to her husband. One of the rights that the husband has over his wife is that he should be able to enjoy her (physically). If he marries a woman and she is able to have intercourse, she is obliged to submit herself to him according to the contract, if he asks her. That is after he gives her the immediate mahr, and gives her some time – two or three days, if she asks for that – to sort herself out, because that is something that she needs, and because that is not too long and is customary.
If a wife refuses to respond to her husband’s request for intercourse, she has done something haraam and has committed a major sin, unless she has a valid shar’i excuse such as menses, obligatory fasting, sickness, etc.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah swt be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allah swt (peace and blessings of Allah swt be upon him) said: ‘When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he went to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3065; Muslim, 1436)
(c)Not admitting anyone whom the husband dislikes. One of the rights that the husband has over his wife is that she should not permit anyone whom he dislikes to enter his house.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah swt be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah swt (peace and blessings of Allah swt be upon him) said: “It is not permitted for a woman to fast when her husband is present without his permission, or to admit anyone into his house without his permission. And whatever she spends (in charity) of his wealth without his consent, ….” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4899; Muslim, 1026)
A good relationship between the spouses means that each of them should pay attention to the feelings of the other and they should try to make one another happy. It also means paying attention to the spouse’s circumstances and relationship with those who have right over him or her, so as to help him fulfil those rights, such as the rights of parents, relatives, neighbours and so on. The basis for all of that is understanding, love and compassion.
Our Lord, the All-Knowing, All-Aware, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allah swt ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.
But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of the happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise and in this world of a high moral character)”
[Fussilat 41:34-35].
As-Sa‘di said in Tayseer al-Kareem al-Rahmaan (p. 749):
Then Allah swt enjoins showing a special type of kindness that will have a great impact, which is treating kindly the one who mistreats you. Allah swt says, “Repel (the evil) with one which is better” i.e., if someone mistreats you, especially if he has significant rights over you, such as relatives, friends and so on, in word or deed, then respond in a way that is better. If he severs ties with you, uphold ties with him; if he wrongs you, forgive him; if he talks about you behind your back or in your presence, do not respond in kind – rather forgive him and speak to him gently; if he shuns you and does not speak to you, then speak to him kindly and greet him with salaam. If you respond to mistreatment with kindness you will attain great benefits.
“then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend” i.e., as if he is near and dear
“But none is granted it” i.e., no one is granted this praiseworthy quality “except those who are patient” in putting up with what they dislike and respond to it in the way that Allah swt likes, for people are naturally inclined to respond to bad treatment with more bad treatment, and not to forgive it. So, how about responding with kind treatment. If a person is patient, obeys the command of his Lord, is aware of the great reward, and knows that responding to bad treatment in kind will not benefit him in any way and will only make the enmity stronger, whereas treating him kindly will not lower his esteem and that in fact the one who is humble for the sake of Allah swt, He will raise him in status — then it will be easy for him and he will find joy in doing that.
“and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise, and in this world of a high moral character)” because it is one of the attributes of the elite among mankind, by means of which a person attains high status in this world and in the Hereafter, which is the greatest of noble characteristics.
It was narrated that ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir said: I met the Messenger of Allah swt (blessings and peace of Allah swt be upon him), and I took him by the hand and said: O Messenger of Allah swt, tell me of the most virtuous deeds. He said: “O ‘Uqbah, uphold ties with those who cut you off, give to those who withhold from you and turn away from those who mistreat you.”
Narrated by Ahmad, 16883; classed as saheeh (authentic) by al-Albaani in Saheeh at-Targheeb, 2536
Interference of relatives and others in a couple’s life in ways that spoil it and cause trouble is not acceptable according to sharee‘ah (Islamic law) and people’s customs. This matter has to be dealt with wisely and carefully, so as to reduce negative consequences and achieve that which is in everyone’s best interests. The basis for that is achieving mutual understanding and cooperation between the spouses in dealing with it. It may sometimes need patience. So long as the matter has nothing to do with halaal (lawful) and haram (unlawful),
Du‘aa’(supplication) is one of the greatest means of attaining what one seeks and being saved from what one fears, but that should be without a specific order or specific prayer.Bringing about reconciliation between people is something very important in Islamic teachings, and immense reward results from bringing about such reconciliation. By the same token, there are stern warnings against creating division among people. It was narrated from Abu’d-Dardaa’ (may Allah swt be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah swt be upon him) said: “Shall I not tell you something that is better than the status of (voluntary) fasting, prayer and charity?” They said: “Yes.” He said: “Reconciling in a case of discord, for the evil of discord is the shaver.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2509), who said: It was narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah swt be upon him) said: “It is the shaver, and I do not say that it shaves hair, but that it shaves (i.e., destroys) religious commitment.” End quote.
Islamic teaching describes several guidelines that will lead to having a peaceful and sound atmosphere in the home, including the following:
Choosing a good wife.Making the home a place of remembrance of Allah swt.Establishing the laws of Allah swt in the home.Teaching the members of the household about Islamic faith and manners.Continually reciting Soorat al-Baqarah in the home to drive away the Shaytaan from the home.Not allowing anyone into the home whose religious commitment is not good.Keeping family secrets.
